Make Me Perfect...

Whoever said eating disorders are about control probably wasn't bulimic.
There is no control in shovelling food in your mouth so fast you barely taste it.
And throwing your guts up, wheres the control in that?
No, you do not have control.
You are controlled.

Controlled by the fucking repetitive cycle of eat and puke, eat and puke.

I see the way they look at me. There eyes doing the scan of my body, their faces betraying what I know they're thinking.
I'm fat.
And I've realised- I'm back at the point where I used to be. I will do anything, ANYTHING -drugs, diet pills, starving, purging- anything to be thin.
There is so much of me, I honestly don't know how my skin hasn't exploded.

I feel disgusting. Worthless.
I'm sick of being the fat one out of my friends.
I hate it. I hate that feeling more than I hate my ed, which is terrifying.
And I hate myself, enough to want to starve myself into silence.

How melodramatic.
Nonetheless,
true.

I've been doing really shit lately.
But I'm re-reading wasted (its an amazing book, if you haven't read it I recomend you do. And it's ridiculously triggering. For me anyway.
Today, I didn't eat al day, then I came home and binged. I ate some candies, a little apricot pie with ice cream, and this frozen dinner, but then I purged. I don't know how much of it I got out.
So to play it safe, I'll assume that todays calories are about 1000.
Anyway, I'm gonna go clean my room because 1) it'll distract me from the quiet rumbling in my stomach 2) its absolutly filthy and 3) i need space on the floor to exercise tonight.

I was in semi recovery for so long, I kind of feel like I'm starting from scratch, all over again.

I just wrote in here like half an hour ago, but then I read over my older entries and Jesus. Every one is the same. It's just me complaining about how I'm fatter then I've ever been before. But since it's been a year, hopefull my mind can fucking register that this is serious. I can't live like this anymore.

So I'm taking this more seriously, actually making sure I do shit. Tomorow, I have work, and since I don't like getting up early I won't even have a chance to eat until I get off at 4. So, after work I met get a juice, then go home, and do some exercise. Then I have a shit tonne of stuff to do so tomorrow hopefully the only thing I'll eat will be dinner.

So I was on livejournal, about to make an account, when I remembered... didn't I used to have an account?
It's been 53 weeks since I last posted an entry. In those 53 weeks, I spent 6 months in America, I piled on weight, I got a year older and now I have a job.

But what inspired me to write this entry is... I can't believe what I've become.

I mean, having an eating disorder used to fucking mean something to me. I hate myself more than ever, but some how the food just keeps going down, and I keep getting bigger. I really have to make this clear- I hate myself. HATE. My body is disgusting. I feel like I'm about to burst out of my skin.

I want more then anything to be thin. Not just average, normal (which would still fucking be better then I am now), I want to be fucking bones. I want to be dead.

I hate this. I hate myself.

So I'm going to get back into it. I'm going to start running like I used to. I'm going to start exercising. And I'm going to stop. Fucking. Eating.

I haven't made an entry here in so long. I forgot I even had a journal here. I've been pretty busy and I'm not in the best place at the moment. I am absolutely disgusted by my body.

I am at my highest weight. I am so fucking ashamed of myself. And a lot of shits been going on and at this point I am near suicidal. I've thought about it a few times, but I don't think I'll do it. As I said in a previous entry, killing myself is the easy way out. I want to kill myself slowly, draw out the pain, starve to death.

I've been restricting for the past few days and I'm down a few pounds from my highest weight. If I keep at it long enough, I'll finally get rid of some of this fucking fat.

I hate going to the doctor. HATE IT. I got to sit in a waiting room listening to crap music for half an hour listening to crap music, before being called in for 5 minutes while some overpaid asswhole looks in my ears, down my throat, and violates me with a stethoscope. And his grand diagnosis? I have a chest infection and need antibiotics. Then I get to pay this asswhole $56 for telling me something I already knew! Gotta love the Australian Health Care System.

Anyway, if I don't get any better in a week then I have to go back and get some blood tests done. So even if in a week I'm about to die, I am going to fake being better. If they do a blood test, they might find drugs in my system. So thats a no no to the blood test.

Now at the moment my body may be wrapped in fat, but my mindset has not changed at all. It took me half an hour to pick what to wear to the doctors because I didn't want him to think I was fat. I tried on outfit after outfit to impress the fucking doctor, who I'm pretty sure didn't give a shit.

Oh well. This afternoon my sister is coming over, and hopefully I'll get some crack to supress my appetite. That'll stop these fucking hunger pangs, at least for a little while.

I know I said I'd be on here everyday but I sort of forgot... Whoops.

God I'm so fat! I've been gaining weight like crazy because I can't seem to stop shoving food into my fucking fat mouth. I can barely look in the mirror, my self hatred is at an all new level. I hate myself so much, I don't want to kill myself because thats too fucking easy. I want myself to suffer.

I'm not trying to get thin and stay there. I want to waste away, starve myself to death. I've chosen how I'm going to die.

But of course I'm so fucking fat that I'm a long way off from that ever fucking happening! It's Tuesday May 1st in Australia where I live, a new month, so a new start. I haven't eaten at all today. I should be at school but I'm sick and going to the doctor in a few hours. Being sick is the best excuse for not eating. :D

I'll post when I get back from the doc.

I've had an eating disorder since I was 11. I tried recovery for a while but that just left me fat and miserable. When I first began I had ana, but it soon developed into Mia as well. Now I'm 15 and EDNOS- eating disorder not otherwise specified.

I came here because I heard there was a great Ana community here. I'm looking for support and friends while I try to lose all the weight I've gained. I'll probably come on every day, and I'm also going to put some thinspo in every entry. Bye for now!